I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
