Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Randomize
