He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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