Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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