omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
