First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
