i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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