dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
