Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
