Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
