Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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