tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
