you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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