Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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