Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
