I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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