DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
