She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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