apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
