Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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