Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
