When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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