I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
