You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
