we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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