I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
