I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
