guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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