If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
