Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
