At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
