I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
