Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
