Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize