she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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