Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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