there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize