In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
