She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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