This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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