U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
