Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
