I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize