Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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