dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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