OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
