Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
