I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
