forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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