I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
