You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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