mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
