i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
