So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
