life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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