Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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